I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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