she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
