I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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