No awkward lesbian experiences without me
After last night, I could never be a politician.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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