He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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