She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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