rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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