i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
