Don't make out with my wife yet
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
