please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
