It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
