Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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