Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
