Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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