I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
