just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Randomize
