he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
