can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
