when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Randomize
