i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I wish i was in the wii world.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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