I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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