I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
MIDGETS
????
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
