She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
