Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
