remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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