So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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