I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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