i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
