Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
