Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
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