I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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