Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
