does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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