I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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