my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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