I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
