We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize