youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I'm getting married
To pizza
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize