Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
