i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
