the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
