Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
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