You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
