her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
