either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
