I hate your face
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
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