Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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