I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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