her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Randomize
