Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
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