turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
